Infertility, the Hidden Struggles to Motherhood

In this episode, the ladies welcome their first guest, Jessica.  As a registered nurse and new mother, Jessica bravely shares her emotional and challenging journey with infertility and IVF, particularly during the COVID-19 pandemic.  Co-host Deibys also shares her journey with infertility due to an unknown medical issue. The discussion expands to include other birth experiences, and exploring identity and self-worth beyond motherhood. Emphasizing the importance of friendship, community support, and self-compassion, the episode offers hope, sparks reflection on personal growth, and serves as an inspirational reminder of the strength found in solidarity. It aims to nurture a supportive and resilient community among listeners by sharing diverse experiences of womanhood.

Don't forget to share this podcast with a friend! Episodes are released every two weeks on Wednesdays. You can find us on Spotify, Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. Join the conversation on Instagram @RedLipsRealTalk and TikTok @RedLipsRealTalk #redlipsrealtalkpodcast #womenempowerment

Transcript

Hey, chicas. Welcome to Red Lips Real Talk Podcast. I'm Jasmine. I'm Monica. I'm Maritza, and I'm Deibys with a Y, and we are four Latinas from South Florida, bringing you real talk on life, love, and everything in between. Time to get real. What's up, ladies? How you guys doing? Good. I miss you guys. I haven't seen you for a couple weeks.

We took a, we took a little break there. Yeah, we did. I did. I miss you guys. I know. I was like, I miss, I miss my girls. I even sent you like a little audio text and I was like, I miss you. I can't believe how much this has impacted me in such a positive way. Like I really, you know, like a few times we've texted each other.

I love us. Yes. And I was like, am I in love?

I don't know, but seriously, it was, I really did miss you guys a lot. And I'm going to be honest. I, when I heard our first podcast on Spotify, I cried. Oh yeah. I felt really proud of us. I was very proud of us. Yeah. And we've had some, uh, Really amazing people reach out and say, Man, y'all did not suck. And that is good.

I felt like Sally Fields. You like me. You really like me. Yeah, we upgraded, bitches. We got sound Maritza bought curtains that help with noise. And, uh, we got a new, um, recorder and, uh, we're looking for sponsors cause we broke. Um, but now we're like, Oh my God, we sound even more professional. We'll make a list on the show notes of what I'm just kidding.

So if you want to sponsor us, Hey, we need a bigger table. We need a round table. A round table because ya me duele el cuello. I can't, I literally. I love us. Hashtag, I love us. So, um, I'm very excited, ladies, because we all know that today is a special day, right? Yes, it is. And I'm going to tell you why it's a special day, because today we have our first guest.

Do it, do it. I didn't know which button it was. And our, the first guest that we have happens to be one of our best friends in our whole entire life. And her name is Jessica. Welcome Jessica. I'm so happy to have you here. Thank you ladies. Thank you. So, so, so excited to be here. I want to say first, congratulations on launching this amazing podcast.

It's I think it's such a beautiful act and a wonderful platform for our community. And honestly, y'all are badasses. I'll take it. I'm a super fan, super fan, super fan. And honestly, thank you. I was not aware until now that I'm your first guest. So that makes it even more special. And y'all know how much How long have we not How long have you and I known each other?

Girl, we've got some stories that only we know. Only we know. Before social media. That's right. We're gonna keep it there. You know, that's what I love. My kids don't know about it. That our generation got away with not having everything that we did recorded. I know, I'm so thankful for that. I know. We had a life before social media.

And only, only our generation Only we know about it. Yeah. Only our generation knows about that. Exactly. Do you remember when we went to cameos and saw the food cheese , la la la. Do you guys remember what I did in cameos? Yes. I remember. Yes. That's as far as we're gonna go, . And we're all married. Okay.

I love, I love you baby. I love you. I love my ko, my man. I love my, you my man. But yes, ladies, thank you so much for having me here and, and honestly, like, I'm looking forward and to see how this podcast evolves. So thank you so much. Well, I think the main reason we're excited that you're here, aside from us being such close friends, and you're willing to talk about such a important subject, is because You know, you've struggled a little bit with infertility and that's been a very emotional and long journey for you, but now you have been blessed with your two gorgeous little boys.

And I believe your story can be a beacon of hope and inspiration to so many women who maybe are ready to give up. And if they hear your story, maybe that'll be like, no, I could still have my baby. And I, I would love for you. Of course, you speak whatever you're comfortable speaking about. We'll ask you questions if you don't mind.

If we ask you something you don't want to answer, you don't. But we really appreciate you being here and we appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you so much. And, um, Deibys, thank you so much also for sharing your story that you're going to share together and we'll be doing this together. Yeah, absolutely. You know, I was getting prepared for this discussion with you ladies and I really realized that I had not had a moment.

{to reflect back on that time, just to put things into perspective. I just turned 49. My kids are three, they'll be four in March. I've been going to be married 12 years and for, it took us, it took us a long time to get to where we are. And I, you know, things happen so fast. It's like, I did IVF therapy. Then I got pregnant.

Boom, I'm a mom. And now it's like survival mode, especially when it's when three year olds it's like, I really am on survival. So, um, so this is actually is going to be a bit therapeutic for me, even too, especially at mom's, like we're on the go all the time. We have like, right? Sometimes it takes us, sometimes we don't even have that opportunity to even, to take a breath and become self aware.

And that's something that I've been learning too. practice, it's evolved now that I'm a mom, but it's been, it's been a roller coaster. I think that when I think back at that time with IVF, I have to say like looking back, I feel that it happened more in like stages for me. And I wasn't someone, you know, babies, you let me know if it was like this for you, but it was absolutely, it was definitely was um, stages.

And I think looking back, You know, my, to start, my daughters are nine and twelve, so my, my journey was not that long ago, but I know your children are three, so it's more fresh, but, um, it's something I carry with me always, and looking back at it, I don't think I realized what a big deal it was. I think I always just masked it, and like, dealt with it, time would go by, I would try to figure out what was going on, you know, I'll get more into details of the journey, but, Yeah, you just kind of push through and you just know you have this end goal and you're not giving up.

{And I think that that was something I had to really flesh out a little bit. But for me to even IVF for me was definitely and I'm just speaking from my own journey was not something that I ran to. Right. Like at the door knocking like let me in, you know, I want to this is this is the way to go. Let me find out more about it.

I was very resistant and for some of you that don't know, um, my background is I'm a registered nurse. I have a master's in nursing. Um, I did do my nurse practitioner, uh, course, but I have to program, but waiting at some point, I don't know when to take my boards, learn if that's even going to happen now with these little guys.

{But I bring that up too, because, you You know, I'm in the medical field. Right. And even still, I was very resistant. For many reasons that I think are very common, um, especially from talking throughout the years, um, especially when I was in it deep. So many women, you know, it was hard for them. to grapple with the idea of this being an option for them.

And for me, I, I think I went through the common route that many women first, when they start realizing like, you know, it's not happening for me. You know, in this case, I was married and I realized like, okay, well, let's get a little bit more honed in on the fact that I haven't been able to get pregnant. So I did like the regular common routes of like homeopathic.

I'm gonna lose a little weight. work out, maybe start eating a little better, get rid of some of those toxins in my body. You just start eating and focusing a little bit more on you and maybe other avenues that perhaps would be helpful. Yeah. And at the end, they're beneficial either way. I learned a lot.
 
{Yeah. I learned a lot from that. Um, gained a lot of information even. even of myself along the way, but I still realized too, with that said, that there was like an, an underlining common thread that kept following me was something that I wasn't grappling with until the time came was I was struggling a lot with shame and guilt.}
 
{Yeah. Especially as a Latin woman of just not being able to get pregnant naturally. And it was a shame and a guilt that I carried for many years. And then you see the people around you that are close getting pregnant and you're happy for them and you don't want to show that you're, cause it's not, it's not like a jealousy thing or envy thing.
 
It's just like, I want that so bad. And I had a lot of friends that already had kids and then I had friends that were getting pregnant and it's a lot of emotion that you kind of, um. You hide. You hide. You hide. And then you end up hiding it from yourself as well. You know, one thing that I've witnessed in our community is sometimes the tías or the moms, they'll say, Y por qué no tienes niños?
 
Especially in our Latin culture. And it's like, you know. Maybe you shouldn't say that because I do want children, I just can't get pregnant. I think there's a, there's so much ignorance to that. Mm hmm. It's a cultural thing. Yeah. Definitely. And that's, that was a big part for me because I grew up in a home, I'm very close to my family, I love my parents, and But one of, you know, and even around friends that would say things, I think there is just a lack of awareness too in that avenue, you know, with, with just knowing like what not to say.
 
Yeah. What not to say, you know, like. Or like, what's happening? Or have you thought about adoption? Like, have you, you know, or just, you know, I mean, maybe it's okay if you guys don't have kids. Like, and I understand people are trying to just. be there for you. And they don't know what to say. So I never took anything offensive, but it's still hurt, you know, cause you're just like, I'm not giving up.
 
So don't put that in my head. That's how I felt. Mine was the clock is ticking. The clock is ticking. Not even just from friends or conversations or people you just bump into along the way. or family members, but it was like even healthcare professionals. I would, it was just get like, it was so awkward for me, just even going to my GYN and getting my checkup and talk about whether treatments or what can we do, and then I'd have my own GYN who's a female and no disrespect to the healthcare profession.
 
But, you know, we're going through that now with menopause. Mm hmm. But I just feel like there was such a lack of sensitivity. I agree with you. Not to get off that topic, but I had a male gynecologist for a long time. He delivered my babies. But then I switched to a woman because I'm like, you know what? I want somebody that understands what I'm going through.
 
And I went back to the man because I feel that there was a lack. And I'm not saying it's for all doctors. I don't want to take that away. And, you know, I'm a girl's girl in the day, so please don't take this wrong, but that specific doctor I went to, I was like, there's such a lack of like empathy, like I'm asking questions and you're making me feel like they're stupid questions.

And I went back to a male gynecologist, like I felt like they were more open to hearing my questions and helping me. Yeah, I went to, and I can like see it like if it was yesterday. I went to one of my follow ups before I got pregnant and it was the last time that I went to actually see her. I switched out because when I went, you know, to openly speak to her about like, Hey, it's kind of getting hard now, you know, like what's the next step and, you know, and before I can even open my mouth to discuss that topic, it was like, Oh, I see here, like, Hey, you know, we're about that age, our clock is ticking.

And it was like, Oh, I just got under my skin. Yeah. Well. Conversation was cut right. Yeah, what a sensitive thing to say. And, um, and those are all the and then you also go through this thing. I was going through like this, like judging myself. Why can't I? I'm doing all the right things. Why isn't it happening for me?

And why is it happening? You know, to my friends, right? And it was just it was hard. It was hard to do with that. And I felt like I hit a lot in my career to do that. Also, because I did enjoy what I was doing. And I felt like I had to protect my happy place in order to You know, get through. And I love my mom, you know, and she's like one of my greatest friends.

And I, she's the type of mom that has a lot of wisdom and I feel like I can say anything to her. And she's giving me such great advice, but you know, she'd be like, mom, like, I want to be a grandmother again. When is that going to happen? Yeah. I would go to my aunt's house and it'd be like, ay niña, cuánto tiempo va a esperar?

And like, just like you were saying, Jasmine, and it was just, you know, like, I don't have control over this. Yeah. Yeah. Like I would have stopped my fingers already. It made me remember, um, Jennifer Aniston. She actually opened up about that and said, you know, people just assumed that I didn't want children and people were very cruel to her for so many years for not having children.

And when she was with Brad Pitt, they would say like, Oh, she's not giving him children, but lo and behold, she was having fertility issues. So it happens in all cultures, but yeah, there's a, there's a lack of a sensitivity when you speak to a woman that doesn't have a child. Maybe she doesn't want children, but regardless.

You're not supposed to be saying things like this. Yeah, and this whole experience, even with so many other things that I've learned through it, it has helped me to be more compassionate and aware that if I know of somebody, let's say, close to my circle, and I know that, you know, they haven't had kids yet, assume in some way that they're having that difficult conversation, or that person is going through a difficult time.

And And it's, it's made me a lot more aware. Like I remember honestly, I followed a Gabrielle Union story with Dwyane Wade when she spoke publicly about her surrogacy and I followed that because she struggled a lot with self shame. And it is a secrecy that you carry and it's a burden and it actually takes a toll on your body as well because then you're like, Oh, I'm struggling with all these inner emotions and conflicts and maybe that's why I'm not.
 
You know, getting pregnant. Oh, yeah. You start analyzing everything. You start thinking it's, you feel it's you. It's me. It's me. It's me. What's wrong? What's wrong? What am I doing? And then, yeah, every little thing you do, you're like, well, is this preventing it? Is that what's going on? Yeah. It's, it's a lot.
 
It's a lot. And I even struggled spiritually. My tools, you know, everybody has their own way to get through things in life. And one of them was, uh. is my faith. And my faith is something that I lean on in difficult times. And I even struggled with my own faith. You know, all right, God, well, yeah, why is that this is my path?
 
Why is it that my little sister is able to have two kids? And you know, and I'm here struggling. I'm here to help my family. And I sacrifice me in my own way. And well, we're just going to keep at it. Keep going. And I think too, yet even with all that, that helped me to dismantle all that and realize that I needed to love myself and be kinder and give myself more grace.

That it wasn't about like the why, because then you can only like, you're just going down a rabbit hole. And I really needed to take a step back and lean into my faith, lean into the things that I do have. And I will say, even in all that, I wasn't someone, even though I'm sharing all these, you know, inner conflicts that I struggled with, with being a Latin person.

A lot of it was society imposing, in a sense, like those ideas of like, you're Latina, you should have kids, you should be married. I really was content in my life, in a sense. And it was more like, Pressure. Pressure and getting reminded. That doesn't mean I didn't have the desire. Right. But I didn't feel incomplete.

I was very content with what I was doing. My purpose in life maybe was also my faith that allowed me to have that. I'm glad that you said that. Because maybe there are women who can't, they just can't have a child anymore, but that doesn't mean that your life is not going to be a magical, fulfilled life.
 
And it's important to also, if there's a listener out there listening to us, you matter and that is not the only thing that defines you. And you said something so important there, Jasmine. That was when I came to peace with that piece. within myself that doubting that I had that like, am I not? Because it's like all that sometimes you start questioning like, wait, maybe I should wait.

Maybe I'm not. Maybe there is something missing. And I was content. I was content with my marriage. Even when I wasn't married, honestly, um, again, I got married later in life and I met my amazing husband. I waited. I was content being single. And he's, your husband's wonderful. We, we all know him. He's the.

Beautiful, beautiful person. He's my little haricuanito, you know, and like, he's my best friend. I love him. And he gets me, man. He gets me. And that's important. Yeah, for sure. And we both got married later, and honestly, I was content before even I met him, which is important, I think, for a woman, too. If you have the opportunity to be alone, to be with yourself as.
 
As long as you can, hey, stretch it out, have fun, you know, you only go around this planet once and it's like, I really embraced it and yes, along the way, you know, the grass is not green on the other side, right? So marriage has its own struggle. Absolutely. I agree with that. I think, not to change the subject, I'm just saying, you know, I got married very young.

You know, I met my husband at 21, got married by 24, so I didn't really have that time to just like figure myself out alone. You know, so I think it's important what you just said right now that, you know, that's really important to have that moment as a young woman to evolve and grow and then get in a place mentally, emotionally, and in your career where you're like, I'm ready now.

to have a child and that's the cruelty of being a woman. Mm hmm. It is cruel. Yeah. Uh, because men don't have that problem. Right. But, um, it is, it is cruel and that's why it's important to have these conversations with our young daughters and say, hey, maybe you should store some eggs. Another, another conversation.

That's a definitely important conversation and it has, I've spoken to other women who've gone through IVF and they're like, I wish my GYN would have given me that option. Yeah. They like, don't say, Hey, look, there's this information. Yeah. Yeah. Well, maybe someone's listening right now and they're like, Instead of just being like, well, the clock is ticking now.

Yeah. Exactly. It's like, oh really? Yeah. Thanks for reminding me. I'm starting to think about a lot of things that I've seen. Like even, I always bring up sex in the city. Lord have mercy on me. But there was an episode where, you know, Charlotte struggled. Yeah. And Miranda got pregnant. And not to make a joke, but she was like, how can I get pregnant?

Steve has one ball. You know, and she ended up wanting to have an abortion and Charlotte was just devastated by that. And I wonder sometimes in real life how that must make women feel like women who don't want children. They just, you know, make that, and I'm here doing everything to get pregnant. But I like how that particular episode ended because Charlotte made her peace with it and was a good friend to her.

Um, regardless of whatever her decision was, um, and I think that's what a good friend should be. Whatever your decision is, a friend is going to be there for you and support you and love you unconditionally. Right. And I hope we were able to be that for you during that time. Oh, no, definitely. I mean, you ladies have been my foundational support system in many seasons in our lives.

I mean, there's been marriages, kids, some of you are now coming or being empty nesters. Yeah, I'm in the beginning of it. We share a lot of stories. I'm in the beginning of it. So why do you think we got a podcast? Girl, I feel for you and I like. And I reach out to you ladies, I'm like, I gotta go to my network of girls.
 
I'm like, when you get through this, look, yeah, yeah, no, for sure, for sure. Jessica, I have a question for you, if you don't mind. Um, so I know you went the homeopathic way, but when did you realize, okay, I, I really think I need to professional. Yeah, I was going to ask you that. Yeah, you know what, that's a great question.
 
I think it's definitely different for each person. I'm telling you, it was not something that I, from one day, thought about. I did make the decision finally when I decided that I said, I can't pass 45. I really did give myself that deadline, I guess. I told myself, I was like, girl, after 45, I think for me, that's it, you know?

And in a way, I guess that kind of saved me. for me. And going back to saying that I, I grappled with all those feelings and when I went through it. And one key thing that did happen is with my mom. It was in my heart and kept tugging at me. And it's usually when I got to listen to that, that inner little girl like talking because she's.
 
She's been with me and we've gotten through a lot of things and I had to sit with my mom and I had a Really important conversation. I said mommy And now you're talking to somebody like older like later in life Like I'm talking to my mom as a pure adult. Like I'm just mommy. Are you mama? Let's talk about this because I know it's important for you to see me be a mom and I get it and you see that It's not happening and I said to her but you're still gonna love me the same, right?
 
Aw, Jess. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, girl, you just brought, dang my freaking eyeliner, man. And I was holding on, but here I am now. Jessica. Oh my God. And I have to tell you. Aw Jess, that's, I keep put you up. I know. We're all crying everyone. We're all crying here. Hold that. Yeah. I mean, wow. We did. Wow. But, and I love my mommy.
 
Mommy. Just the fact that you even felt that is what breaks my heart. So what did your mom say? ? Because I need to know,
 
I was like, hi, mommy.
 
Because I felt like, um, I was honestly saying it more for her right than I was for me. Yeah. Does that make any sense? Absolutely. I was saying it more for her and um, she was like. I'm gonna love you the same.
 
I'm like Latin mom. I know Latin mom, man. She just like, and.
 
You know, you've done so much for your family. Yeah. And say in English, so people that don't understand you, she said, basically, she thinks about you. So when she's gone, she she's thinking about you and she wants you to have your family. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, we hugged and my mom and I said, Also share a very, uh, spiritual connection and, um, you know, our faith as well.
 
So it was really important and I kept it kind of avoiding that conversation, but I knew that that was what I needed to do. And I kid you not, I think I was like set free. I didn't even know it was like such a big burden for me, but it almost felt like also I was letting go of this cultural burden that I also allowed myself to carry.
 
That came from like, A generation. Right. I don't know if that makes any sense. It does. It does. And maybe you were, maybe you were even putting it heavier on yourself than it should have been. Yes. You might have carried that weight more than. And when that, when you saw the way your mom reacted, that's why it was like lifted.
 
It was like, okay, this isn't how I think it is. Exactly. And I, I felt free. Yeah. Oddly enough, I can understand your mom because, uh, obviously, you know, I have two daughters, and one of my daughters, even though she's still extremely young, she's always told me that she doesn't think she wants children. And, yeah, I get emotional about that because I don't, I know, like, I get emotional about that because you're not supposed to say, I don't want you to be alone, right?
 
Right. And, and I, because you could be happy alone. Yes. And I know that that's the politically correct thing to say. I get it. And I respect that. But as a mom, I'm like, Yo no quiero que mi hija no tenga su familia because my family. I don't care if anyone disagrees with me, but it is my biggest achievement and I'm so proud of it.
 
Absolutely. It's my, the happiest moments of my life have been with my, my daughters. So I don't want my daughter not to experience that. So when she says that, I feel sad. Yeah. It just makes me feel sad. I don't tell her anything. I get it. Cause I want to be, I want to do the right thing. But inside I'm like, God, please, I hope she changes her mind.
 
Maybe that's a selfish thing. No, it's because you know the joys of being a mom. Yeah, that's right. And you know the joys of the relationship it carries. So I understand why your mom got like that. I get it. And I think also, you have a wonderful relationship with your daughters. I mean, all you ladies have amazing relationships with your kids.
 
You know, being, being a daughter, just the fact that I can come to my mother with such an intimate conversation, it's huge. Tells you a lot about like, the kind of relationship that I had with her and how important that was for me to discuss with her. And this is, and I gotta tell you girls, this is the first time I've ever talked to anyone about that.
 
And it set the, the stage for me to like, I don't know, it just, something inside of me was like, okay, I guess that's done. It's been resolved. I got through that. I let it go. What about your husband? How did he feel? You know, I have to say my husband has, he never put any pressure. He's been such a champion with me, really, even through, like, where we're not with our toddlers and his wife going through perimenopause.
 
That's a whole other podcast. Did he notice a change in you after you had that talk with your mom? He did. I think he saw that. I was like, all right, babe, I'm gonna set up some appointments to now just get information. Right. So I think that brought me to like a next stage, which whereas I was open to now.
 
Stage two. Yes. To now allow myself the information. And, Information is power, because I think too, especially in the women's health care, especially what's going on now, um, with the Gen Xers and what, like, we're, amazing what we're doing in health care for women. I think it's really important to allow yourself to obtain the information, which I was resisting initially, and that allowed me then to put the option on the table for me.
 
My husband, was like, whatever you want, babe, let's do it. And he's like me, he's like, all right, let's talk. Let's get through this. Let's get the right information first. So we can, you know, make the decision what's best for us. So can I ask what? Because my my journey is a little different. Mine's more on the medical side.
 
Yeah, I went to IVF, but I didn't do IVF. I had other situations. OK. Prevented me from getting pregnant, but I ultimately did because I have two healthy girls. Thank God But so when you were going through that and you were going to the doctors Did they ever tell you like why you couldn't get pregnant or were they just like okay because of your age You should just go to IVF like what what determined you that you had to do IVF?
 
So a couple of things I did have a test done that pretty much like lights up your uterus and fallopian tubes And they were blocked I was not. I did the same test. They went, they cut your belly button just slightly bend and go and look inside. Yes. So, uh, they were blocked. Mm hmm. So supposedly that was what prevented me.
 
Then I went to another doctor that saw that same test and said, I don't think the test was done properly. And then, uh, so, you know, it, it was a little confusing. Mm hmm. Yeah. And I just, I really went with my own instinct, so that was that. And then also, it was, they did do multiple ultrasounds, so that's part of like, you know, the whole triage ing.
 
Before we do IVFs, you, you go through a lot of expensive tests. Some that hopefully your insurance will pay for. And most clinics are very open to try to utilize your insurance as best as you can because most IVF treatments are not covered by insurance. That's what also makes it limiting for a lot of people.
 
People, right. And so. So. that in my age. Okay. And was your, um, menstrual very, I've always been regular. Yeah. See, I've always been regular all my life. Strong periods, cramps, like the whole nine, everything was there. It was present. It was happening every month and then it go away and come back. So I never struggled with that until I got into my thirties, well, mid twenties.
 
Cause I went through this for years and all of a sudden my period started disappearing and I was like, this is so weird because I'm regular. And I had gotten off birth control pill for years because I got married at 23 and I wanted to have kids young. My whole thing was I want to have kids young. I want to be a young mom, not to be a young mom.
 
I just was like, I want to have them young. I've been with my high school sweetheart. We got married young at 23 so we enjoyed some time together and then I was like, okay, kids next. Like I want to have kids and I didn't understand what was going on. All of a sudden my period stopped and I went to the doctor and I was like, listen, I'm not on birth control.
 
I haven't been on it for years and they couldn't figure out what it was. But, you know, you tend to put yourself last and I didn't follow up with the doctor as often as I should have. It wasn't like a routine thing. So it was kind of like, well, I don't know what's going on. Let's just see how, and then it got to a point where I would go back and follow up.
 
And his suggestion was, well, let's put you on birth control. I know you want to get pregnant, but let's put you on birth control. Get your cycle back in order and then we'll take you off. So I did that. Nothing happened. My period started going away again. And I was also dealing with, um, migraines. I have TMJ.
 
So I didn't know. So I was dealing with two things at once. I mean, I never had anxiety in my life. I started building anxiety. I mean, it was like, I'm gonna start getting emotional. It was a really rough time. Yeah. And I didn't understand, you know, it was just like, what is going on? Like, why do I feel crappy all the time?
 
Why, you know, like, I mean, I went through like a lot of like, I just lived with pain for like a long time because I just had like my head, my jaw, it would, you know, if anybody knows TMJ, it goes down to your shoulders, your neck, everything. So I had that and I developed anxiety because no one could tell me what was wrong with me.
 
Of course. So it was like, it was, it was like a medical anxiety. That's what would trigger my anxiety. Okay. Yeah. So anytime I didn't feel good, I'd be like, why am I not feeling good? What's wrong with me? What's going on? No one can tell you what's wrong. And then again, I stopped going to the doctor, you know, I would go not go.
 
So I was trying to figure out two diagnosis. And ultimately the doctor was like, listen, I'm going to check these levels. He decided to do some other type of blood test. Well, it came back that my prolactin level was extremely high. Your prolactin level is only high if you're pregnant or breastfeeding. So typically.
 
Women's prolactin levels should be around 17, around there. Mine was at 40, and I wasn't pregnant. So he was like, okay, you need to go to, um, an incrinologist. So I went to an incrinologist. They did an MRI, and they found that I had a benign small tumor in my pituitary gland. that was affecting the prolactin levels in my body.
 
So that's why I wasn't getting my periods, even though I was ovulating, because I went through IVF. I did the test that you said. I had very minimal debris. The doctor said he kind of scraped whatever little things he saw there. Yeah. He's like, I don't think it was preventing it. But since I was there, I just kind of just cleaned up.
 
{He's like, but so. And all the testings that I did at IVF came back like, meanwhile, they didn't test me for my prolactin level and any of that stuff. But they were testing more of like your ovulation, your, your fallopian tubes, things like that. So then they put me on this medication. I can't remember the name of it.
 
It was two of them to see which one, you know, worked with my body better. Well, I took one and I felt horrible. I had bad side effects. Again, never feeling well. Never feeling well became normal to me. Mm hmm. And then, um, I mean, I'm talking like this, I went through this for like five years. And you're in your 20s.
 
I'm in my mid 20s. Like, like, like late mid 20s because I ended up having Adriana like at 32, I think I was. And then finally, like, Um, I had to go to the doctor every six weeks. I had to get like yearly MRIs, you know, I was like, now, now here I am actually following up with the doctor. This is a stage where I'm actually staying on top of it now because I feel like, okay, well they figured something out, you know?
 
And then after being on the medication for, I forgot how long it was, I want to say maybe a year. I don't remember too much cause it gets foggy. You know what I mean? You kind of It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. Because you're still dealing with life and work. Yes. And everybody asking you, why aren't you getting pregnant?
 
Or what's going on? You guys can have kids. And yeah, all of that. My marriage and everything. Life is still going on. The world doesn't stop for you, you know? So then I, um, finally got pregnant with Adriana. Thank God. It was like, I couldn't even believe it. Like it was the best thing in the world. And um, finally.
 
So then I stopped taking the medication because I couldn't. couldn't take it while I was pregnant. And then after I had her, I wanted to breastfeed. So I breastfed her for 13 months. And then my period was, um, not really that present because when you're breastfeeding, it could go away. So when, and I said, I don't care.
 
I was like, we'll figure that situation later. I'm breastfeeding over here. Exactly. You know, I was like, this is my baby and I just want to do everything for her. I even got I had the baby blues, but I didn't really have, um, postpartum, but I did have baby blues cause it's only normal. Your body is, you're seeing a lot of hormones, but I was in a bubble with my baby and I love bubble.
 
I was so happy. I mean, I'm crying. So do you think I'm not? I was, she was born in December. All I did was sit in that rocking chair and breastfeed her and watched, um, you know, ABC family. I think it was out now. It's free form. I was watching all the holiday movies. I was just like in my bubble and then I wasn't seeing all my friends.
 
People were visiting me and it was fine, but I was like disconnected from the world and I didn't care. I was like, no, no, no. What the hell I have been through. Like, this is a blessing from God. This is a miracle. I am taking in every single moment, you know? Well, then eventually. I had to go back on the medication because the doctor's like, well, stop breastfeeding.
 
And you're, you know, once you decide to stop breastfeeding, let's see if your body naturally creates your period back, you know? Um, so there was no point of checking my prolactin level because I was breastfeeding. So then, um, never came back. I did a whole year to see If I mean, it would come. It just wasn't regular.
 
You know what I'm saying? I wasn't a whole year without my period. It was just the cycle was off. So then I wanted to get pregnant again, you know, so I went back on the medic. First of all, I'm a person that doesn't like taking medication. So I mean, I have a headache. I'll deal with it for like hours before I say, okay, fine.
 
Let me just take a tunnel. It's not going away, especially dealing with migraine. And that was another thing to go back. I had migraines and all the doctors wanted to do was give me migraine medication. And I was like, I feel like there's something wrong. I'm not just going to take this medicine because you're telling me to like, you need to tell me.
 
why I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling. So it was a combination of my hormones and a combination of my TMJ. I grind my teeth really bad at night and it was creating all that pain. And you do get headaches from the prolactin level. The pituitary tumor, but not migraines, depending on how big the tumor is.
 
So it was a combination of things. I was like, my body, I just knew something was wrong. You know, like, and that's why I feel like you have to be your own advocate. You have to just, you have an end goal. If you feel in your heart that something's wrong, you, you keep going to the doctor. You keep seeing whoever you need to see.
 
I went to two different endocrinologists, you know? So then to go back, I ended up taking the medication again. I got pregnant with Jasmine, thank God, three years later. Great. And when I got pregnant with her, I breastfed her for 18 months. She was hard to get off. So then I always wanted a third kid, but my husband's like, I don't know if I want a third kid.
 
And I just felt like this is my last baby. I have a feeling this is my last baby. And, um, I ended up not having to go back on the medication. I ended up getting my period naturally a while after, and it just was regular. I stopped breastfeeding her in October. My period came in January and it, since now she's nine years old, it's never stopped, which I'm happy about, but not.
 
You know and I think like once I made the decision to, to then when I found the right doctor. Yes. That's the most important thing. That's the vital thing. Once I found the right doctor and to me what was important is I had to connect with the doctor. You don't mind me asking how many doctors did you have to try before you found the right doctor?
 
That's a good question. I, it was, for me it was, thank God, it was, uh, I went the fourth doctor and I went from a high top fertility doctors in Miami. I went to Miami, to Boca, to West Palm. Yeah, but good for you. Good for you. You kept going. Yeah. And I found my doctor in Boca. I found his team. Amazing. My husband and I immediately were like, this is the place.
 
And they heard my story. Jess, I don't, I don't mean to interrupt, but correct me if I'm wrong. Wasn't there a time that you were actually even thinking of going overseas? Yes, yes. Thank you for bringing that up. I did actually. I went to I went to his office. I spoke to his team and really nicely that Dr.
 
Calming on the phone. We spoke very much at length. I was impressed even with his response. Uh, doctors actually in Colombia, in Medellin, which I travel to very often. And I honestly thought that that particular doctor might be the one that I was gonna go to. But then, you know, after thinking back, I said, you know, if there's any complications or anything that I had to go, I was like that.
 
The travel would probably also make it harder, right? And so I said, okay, but that actually, I, a couple of people that I have come across have done IVF overseas because it's less expensive, especially in Columbia. And I was very impressed with that team and the comfortable talking about the cost or no. Uh, so yeah, I mean, it's very, it's expensive.
 
Maybe you can give a contract that could help. Comparison. So I would say here, I mean, it's not cheap over there either, but like half the price or I want to say like for here, you're looking at a budget of between 000. That's including medications. That's the medications that's really expensive and the medications are all personalized.
 
So it's all depends on you individually and what you're getting done. That's one cycle. That's not like, if it doesn't happen, which happens often, happens often. I have, you know, one particular good friend, let me, she went through five cycles. Wow. Oh my gosh. And think about like the time. It's not like you can be like, Oh, it's not happening now.
 
Let's start tomorrow. And it's like, you have to allow yourself because you're dealing with hormones, you're dealing with your menstrual cycle. So for me, it was like, you know, I That was another conversation I had to have with my husband, so I'm sorry to answer your question. It was here in the United States.
 
You're talking about 25 to 35, 000 per cycle, per cycle with medications, hoping that your insurance will cover some of the doctor visits, some of the lab work, which if you're in a good office, they're going to help you with that. And for me, it was important that I also, obviously in vitro is the most important.
 
You're fertilizing the ovaries and you're fertilizing outside of your body and then have it implanted inside of you. And that's a special procedure that gets done. And you want to make sure that, at least for me, it was important to have the embryologist and their clinic have that done in their office.
 
Not that that was going to another laboratory. I agree. I would have wanted that too. So to me, that was important. Uh, so this office to do that. And for people who don't know, why is that important? But because first you're doing genetic testing and, and it's a very sensitive, detailed, I mean, I hate to even like brush it up the way it is, but yeah, it's such a minute detail.
 
You're dealing with science to the smallest molecular level and it's cleanliness and transfer of it. All of it. All of it. The harvesting. All of it. You want it to be as almost like close to you as possible. And that gave me a peace of mind and I got to meet the embryologist. And she showed me, which is what makes it all very special.
 
She showed me pictures. I saw, I keep those things. I'll keep those pictures for me and my husband, you know, um, the fertilization of it and how it divides and this person will send you pictures of how it gets divided, which is just science in its most amazing way. Well, thank you for sharing that because maybe someone's listening that's ready to look for her.
 
An IVF doctor and that's something that they should consider. Yes, and you know, and it's a lot of information thrown at you at once. I was just gonna say it's, it is overwhelming. So one of the key things I think that's important that if you are looking to do IVF, or even just wanting to get information is go with your partner, be prepared, keep in mind that it's going to be a lot of information in this visit, but most of all, make sure that you that you go with someone, whether it's your loved one, just a friend, a support system, and make sure that you go with that person.
 
And I think that, that's very vital because it's like you were saying, Deibys, it's overwhelming information and you're going to go home with a lot of it. Right. So it's good to have someone there because they also might have questions that you are just not even, your brain is overwhelmed. taking so much in and your emotion so you're not even asking the questions maybe you want to ask.
 
{It's good to have someone there for both reasons. Just to go back to the cost because I am curious what was the difference in Colombia? I want to say that and again they ran different tests and some of the tests like I felt like that the U. S. part of their profile I felt was very necessary as opposed to the ones that they were doing with air.
 
But with that in mind, I want to say like maybe about 15, 000 less, which is significant. Yeah. That's why I'm asking 10 less. Then I. Yeah. Yeah. Don't know about now. Right. Yeah. So, and as a matter of fact, now that I'm, we're talking about this then and now, the other thing that was very interesting that made my journey with my husband very interesting was that I started IVF and this whole journey when COVID hit.
 
Wow. And so that made things even more interesting. Yeah. And you know, by the time, so just backtracking, once we made a decision with this doctor, we went home with all our information from like, The financial part, because you're talking about the medications, understanding them, the emotional part of it, right?
 
Because you're obviously going in to see the doctor with hope that the end result will be the end result of what you hope for. And also the financial. So that's something that you have to already go knowing that, you know, you're going in with a budget. And so being prepared for that. And your life changes.
 
You, you, you, you are going in saying, okay, if we're doing this, like, all right, so what our life is going to change. It's temporary, but it will be changed. You know, you're scheduling all the, I can't even imagine all the shots and the scheduling. And isn't there like certain times that you have to give yourself the shot?
 
It's not just like, okay, I'm going to do it every morning. Like you have to check your chair. Yeah. So again, having a support team is super important and I, I have a great family. My sisters, I, when we came home and we made a decision that this is the doctor that we're going to move forward with. The wonderful nurse and that's what makes it also, it's going to be stressful, but less overwhelming as if you have like a great team from the doctor and that nurse was amazing.
 
And she was like, all right, Jess, here's the calendar. This is how it's going to work. And she was available to me via text message. I had her cell phone. And so. I was able to ask her questions, it was a lot of information, going back, the medications, how you take the medications from injections to patches.
 
That's good because, you know, when you go, not to cut you off, I'm sorry, but when you go to the doctor, they fill you up with so many information, then you come home and now you just have this book, you're supposed to just figure this out. So to know that you had somebody literally holding your hand and walking you through it, making sure that you're understanding this information because you can absorb it that day and then tomorrow you can be like, I forgot half the things that she says, I'm just having an emotional day, day and night.
 
So that's, that's really good to know that that's there. And I'm going through this, the world is going through COVID. I'm a registered nurse in the healthcare field. So my concern was also my anxiety level, where I was going to be at in preparing my body. And this has got to work. And I kid you not. I mean, I have pictures looking back of me doing COVID testing for our staff members.
 
And it was such. A chaotic time for everybody, for everyone, the whole world. Right, because it wasn't just COVID, COVID and you're in the medical field. Yes. Right, COVID, I'm in the medical fields and I'm trying to get pregnant. And you're trying to, right? I'm trying to get pregnant. Through IVF, not just, you know.
 
Yeah. So, um, push through it and you know that in itself. So. with the injections and everything. My husband sometimes would inject me. Uh, I had my sisters. Where does the injection go? Well, on your stomach? Yeah, I would do it abdominally. And sometimes when I got tired, I'd be like, let's go back here, buddy.
 
But, um, yeah, most of them were done in the abdomen. And my middle sister is also, I'm sorry, my younger sister that you guys know, she's also a registered nurse. So I had a lot of support and I have to say like once I came home with all the information I felt really empowered. I felt like okay, like here's the plan and I just really embraced it.
 
I surrendered to it. I was no longer resisting it. I felt then empowered to a point where I was like, wow, you know what, this can help a lot of people. And I also felt more comfortable talking to people in more intimate settings, and gosh, I learned that there were so many women in my close circle that were going through what I was going through.
 
And that was an eye opener for me. In all ages. Mm hmm. You know? And I felt like, wow, I'm not alone. Right. I'm not. And that's what I hope that we're doing here. Oh yeah. For women listening because our stories relate because we were both trying to get pregnant but our journeys were, were different because, you know, that's why I had asked like when you were going through the IVF, like, did they tell you, you couldn't, what, what were the reasons they were giving you?
 
Because sometimes women go and they, they don't know the questions to ask. They don't know the things to say or how to take the information that doctors are giving them. You know, there's so many different options out there and there could be certain reasons why you're not. Like for my case, I. didn't need to have IVF, but there was something that was putting me at a dead stop, you know, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get pregnant, you know?
 
So it's like, I just want people to know too, like, if you are struggling with medical things and you know, you're not understanding or like how I was having missed periods and think like, ask questions, look things up. It's not just, you know, okay, like, you know, like, that's where the anxiety built because I didn't have answers and I wanted answers.
 
Right. So it's like, I don't want people to know. What are like stop, keep looking for your answers, listen to yourself, go with your heart and just like your struggle was, you know, you didn't know if this is what you wanted to do. The feelings you were feeling with your mom, there's just all different levels of it.
 
It's just like, yeah, follow your heart, follow your gut and just do what you have to do to push through it. You know? And you know what Maritza? I remember that. I don't know why this just came to my mind. I remember having a conversation with you on the phone and I said to her there was something you know, had the conversation with my mom.
 
I was like living my life. And I remember just saying like, I don't know, but I'm feeling like I really want to have a baby. And I had not, you know, I, I had moments where I was like, it'd be great to have a family, you know, I don't know if it's going to happen to me, but I just felt like this thing inside of me.
 
And I remember you probably don't remember the conversation, but I remember saying to you like, you know, this is what I want to do and see what happens. And that's where my journey took me. And once we. You know, I was all in, like, out of the mids. Here we are. We're doing this. We're doing this. We're doing this.
 
No turning back. We're doing this, buddy. I told my husband, we're doing this. What were some of the side effects? So that was part of why I resisted going on IVF, because I was very afraid of the side effects. You're dealing with hormones, right? And I was very much into, like, the health, the all natural, organic life.
 
That to me. Right. That's why I was like, what do you mean I gotta take this medication for this thing in my brain? Like, what is it gonna do to the rest of my body? What is it? Do I have to be on it for life? Like, I hate all that. So you're already skeptical. Yes. From the beginning. Right. But, uh, I honestly, you know, it's very different for everyone, uh, but one of the things that I was concerned about was like your skin.
 
A lot of women get acne from you're dealing with hormones. Right, right. Acne. And I actually had staff members, um, back then that were on AVF and so they would share their story with me and I would tell them. See how it would affect that, which hence would then not allow me to want to do IVF. And uh, and I would see that irritability, like mood swings.
 
Yes. I was going to say, those are the things I've heard. I mean, you're the one that went through it, but like mood swings, irritability, and emotional. Like you would just cry. Bloating. Or no re, oh, bloating. I mean, I'm sure that's like the number one thing. Yeah. So that was one of the concerns that I did have, but I have to tell you, I did not go through.

I was working out. I still continue to work out, I still continue to take care of myself, eat healthy, meditating a lot, just like putting myself in that good zone. I believe in attitude of gratitude. I believe waking up every day and being grateful. You need tools in your life to get through all these things that you know, that you face.

And I had things in my toolbox that I, you know, always believed in that I was my faith praying. Yeah. So all these things I think are very important, not just like, okay, the medication part of it and all that. Yeah. But, you know, things to help me mentally and emotionally and spiritually, I think helped me.

And I honestly did not experience things that I was convinced that might happen to me or afraid of. And finally, then when we were done, our cycle and our medications, there is a moment where then they do the, what's called the implantation. And they implanted the fertilized egg in my uterus, which was just an uncomfortable procedure, but nothing.

painful. Again, I'm doing it for the first time in my life, and I didn't know, you know, what to expect. But I had, again, a great team. My husband wasn't able to be there because I'm going through COVID. I'll just say due to COVID. Yeah. And then, uh, after that, I, um, a couple weeks after was able to, you know, do my pregnancy test, but then surprisingly, I got positive.

And, um, It's like, you don't believe it when you see it. Yeah. I was just like, wow. So, Jessica, how many cycles did you have to do before you conceived? I just did one cycle. Wow. And I got pregnant. Is that normal? The rates for somebody, the older you are, are not very high. So I was very grateful, um, that we got pregnant on the one now.

Something very important to add really quickly. And my husband was like, you're crazy. I asked the doctors to put two eggs. Now, you might be thinking, Oh, cause you wanted twins. No, honestly, I wanted to see because it does happen when you have multiple embryos. You know, sometimes you can lose the other one, can vanish.

You could start off as possibly having twins, but then one might dissolve on its own. It's just spontaneously. And, I wanted to, I was honestly to give myself a better chance on this one cycle. Not everybody, and I did bring it up to the other doctors that I went to go see. And my doctor was like, You have the body.

You can, uh, you're, you're a big girl. It was like, Let's, let's put two embryos in there. See what happens. Oh my god! I was like. Oh my god! Whatever. Okay, fine. Yeah. Just roll with it. Yeah. That's it. Okay. Let's do it. So we did. And, um, so higher chances for me. But it wasn't honestly for me to really have twins.

My husband was like, we're going to end up with four. That's funny. I was like, yeah, there might be a possibility, but thankfully it was just like, oh, well, I'm just grateful. Yes. I mean, the takeaway that I'm getting from this is that finding the right doctor is Important. Yes. It is. Yeah. And I, I remember, um, so that happened and I was like, okay.

And so again, can we get perspective that we were during COVID time. So again, my husband wasn't, I wasn't able to have those normal OB visits with my husband next to me with, then finally after that we got a positive test, which I was like elated. Like I just was. So ecstatic and making sure I preserved that pregnancy.

You know, the first trimester is the most sensitive and important part. And so we made it through, thankfully, and you know, and when we heard the baby's babies heartbeats, that was amazing. And you know what, I could sit here and tell you, oh my God, it's. Sucked that I had to have, you know, I had to go through Covid, you know, uh, and my husband not, beside was not the case.

I was just grateful that I was able to have this option and that I allowed myself the option and I got informed. And, you know, that we went on our journey. And after that, then we went to our next stage of being pregnant, fully pregnant. And I have to say, you know, by that time I wanna say I was. 46? 47?

Time flies so fast. I had a good pregnancy. I was high risk, so I had high risk doctors and I had a great pregnancy, I have to say. And my husband and I, you know, enjoyed, I took, I enjoyed it to the fullest. Yeah, me too. Thankfully I did too. I did, was high risk as well though, even though I was in my early thirties.

They still, I forget what age it is they consider you high risk, but I was high risk for both of them. And I ended up having um, I always say it wrong, gestational diabetes. Did I say it right? Gestational diabetes? With both of them. With both of them I had it. It was, it was, it was like, this is crazy. How did I end up with, with um, both pregnancies, but that wasn't to take.

No, you just have to watch your diet. Right. They tell you, um, it's common. It's yeah, it's common, but sometimes they say sometimes it's common when you're carrying very large or no, no, I didn't. So it was kind of weird that my body was like, Doing that, but, but no, they just tell you to watch your diets like, you know, rice things, like things that are carb that turn into sugar, you know?

And then I would have to prick my finger and check my blood. Listen, I was, I was, every, every meal, I was just shocked to think that I thought I would go into like gestational diabetes because I was carrying two boys and I was hungry. Yeah. Oh, I ate a lot too. I was just like myself. Oh, you had twins? A little, little different.
 
I allowed myself to eat whatever I did too. And I remember one time, um, I was craving. What's it called? Krispy Kreme donuts and that spikes your sugar milk, spikes your sugar. And I was like, I just want a hot, warm glazed donut from Krispy Kreme and some milk. And Dennis took me, which I want to say too, cause my husband was part of this whole thing and he, he was so supportive.
 
He was fine. Whatever the outcome was, he wanted kids too, but he knew that I, you know, really wanted them. And he was like, I'm happy if it's just us. Listen, if my husband heard from me, let's. Go get Krispy Kreme. He'd be like, he took me. It was like late at night and I ate it and then I started crying because I was like, baby's probably doing circles in there.
 
Like I started thinking about the blood, but I'm like, one time it's okay. It's okay to do it. One time, but it was because of my sugar, because I didn't care about the weight at all, and I did eat everything. Um, you know, it was really funny though. didn't really believe this much, but it happened to me. I craved.
 
I'm not a big red sauce girl. Like I'm more like lemon butter with my pasta and you know, like Alfredo with Adriana, my first one, I create a pasta all the time. Red sauce, um, crayon, apple juice. and apples. And till this day, her favorite food is like pizza, but pasta with red sauce. It's always red sauce.
 
She's always the one that wants me to give her an extra scoop. And still, um, her favorite fruit is apple. And I, and I was like, those things aren't real, but I had those cravings, which weren't my typical cravings. And they've stuck with her. And then Jasmine, the little one, I didn't have any cravings, but I ate everything.
 
I wanted everything. And she's my less picky eater. She's the one that eats everything. She'll be like, oh, I like that. I want, I'm like, this is kind of weird that. No, to me, I went, I went from being a vegan. Cause I went through the homeopathic that even took me to becoming a vegan, maybe 85%. By the time I got pregnant, I hadn't eaten eggs in like three years.
 
Wow. That's a long time. Yeah. And no meat. And my weakness was always chicharrones, but, but I kid you not, I had these boys, no man, it was like, I would tell my husband on a Saturday, Llevame la carreta en Miami, porque yo hoy si tienen rabo encendido. I said, rabo encendido, I kid you not, to this day, en la carreta on Saturday, it's like, in their special menu, rabo encendido, I'm like, take me there now.
 
That's My mom makes that really good, actually. And another thing I crave was sugar. Sugar, and I'm not a big sweet person. Like, I would, at birthday parties, you know, people cut cake, and I'd always be like, no, no, thank you, no. I was more of a sweet and savory. And that was another craving I had with Adrian that I forgot.
 
I wanted, I wanted cakes and doughnuts and things, and I had to watch it because I had that issue with the sugar. And, She's got the biggest freaking sweet tooth. Like it does not, you know, Monica knows she, that's the baker. Yeah. She loves to bake. Actually. We bake from scratch at home. And it's like, Oh, you have to give me some recipes.
 
Cause I want to try to do that with my kids. Well, the one thing we make that I, I had to go through like seven or eight banana breads to like finally master it when they were little, I was like, I am learning how to make banana bread. It took me a while to get a recipe down. So I have two of them and she now makes it by herself.
 
She makes it by herself now. So just be like, can I make some banana bread? I'm like. You're cleaning everything up. We'll go right ahead. Yeah, so going back to the IVF, I, after, I was very grateful, like I said, of that. And my pregnancy went well. I had a C section, uh, with the twins. Honestly, I cannot complain about that, considering everything that led me to there.
 
I was very grateful for my delivery. My husband was like anxious and panicking like a dad, a new dad would be. And I was just very calm, serene. I was It's in my bubble and then uh, being a midlife mom, after I gave birth then it's like another rollercoaster in a whole other sense. But I was in my bubble for a really long time.

That's another podcast. Girl, yeah, that in itself, a midlife mom. I did great with my kids, like the first year was great. It's honestly a blur because I was breastfeeding twins, which that was something else every day I was grateful for. When you desire to be a mom for so long, and then for some, and at least on my journey it happened, I was very grateful for every little experience.

So I can appreciate you saying like, I understand like what you mean, like being in my bubble, nothing else in the world mattered to me. I didn't care. I didn't care. Like I didn't even care about my weight. No. I was waking up like just in this, at it's in this. Grateful bubble. Mm-Hmm. and, um, thanking God that the prayers that I was sending Yeah.

Throughout this, the journey was, were answered. You know? And the, and the fact that I could say that because then, you know, not for nothing. Like, I, I sometimes I would, you know, be like, you know, there's, there is women that I know Mm-Hmm. are still struggling, or ha it hasn't happened to them. But I also wanted to, I wanted to enjoy my journey.

Yeah. But also make women aware that the option is, the information is out there. And, you know, birthing twins and then being a mom to twins. At the age. Yeah, at the age that I was at, I was very grateful for the whole journey. Yeah. And how, you know, it, you know, evolved. And my husband too is so, such an amazing dad and, and even watching him being a dad was something is still so amazing and special.

And, you know, going now we're in the toddler stage. And Wally, you in danger, girl, girl, girl, girl. One thing I didn't expect, I have to say. is I have such great memories, all of that. And then honestly, I never expected in a million years though, like after breastfeeding for a year, which was amazing. Which is amazing.

And then you got to take in consideration, you had twins. So, you know, thank God that first of all, both of us were able to do it because people struggle with that as well. I have a friend of mine that had a twin. daughter right around my first one, and she tried so hard. And you put a lot of pressure on yourself too.

You do. Yeah. You do. And I would have moms who would be like, uh, I just couldn't. It's okay. It's okay. Because sometimes we judge ourselves. Yeah. But I'm grateful that I was able to get that experience, honestly, at the age that I was at. I really didn't know what my body was going to do. To do. Right. At that time.

And, and let me tell you. Yeah. Oh, Breastfeeding is a lot. It's a lot. So you, you had two boys, so your schedule. Oh, I can't even imagine around the clock. I had, did you pump too? I pumped. Yep. See, I can't, I mean, I pumped too, but you had to, it was double. But pumping is important because it continues the flow.

Yes. Yes. Yes. You have to. It's good to do it. Yeah. So that's an amazing thing in itself. You had twin boys. Yeah. I'm glad that you brought that up. But I personally know people who struggled with the breastfeeding and they didn't want to give up and they tried and tried and tried until eventually they had no other choice but to go either with formula or actually another person I know, I'm thinking of two people, um, she got a milk from, yeah, they have a woman that, that, that donor milk.

Yeah. Which I wasn't aware of that. My sister did that. She donated milk. It made them feel less thin. Uh huh. And I'm like, wait a minute, you guys, or you ladies, your body has just been through the biggest trauma of its life. You have gone through so much to have your beautiful babies do not, just because you're having trouble producing milk, don't do that to yourself.

Yeah. Thank God we have options. Right, right. Oh, for sure. But I think women have a way of putting pressure, putting that pressure and bringing ourselves down because we weren't able to do one thing, but look at all the thousand other things you did that were perfect. Right. Right. And you know, to tap into on that, I wanted to have, I had a C, I had a C section.

And I didn't want to see sections. I wanted to push. I was like, I was there for both of my nephew's deliveries. I was there with my sister, like literally there with her, helping her, you know, breathing and whatever. I was right next to her. And she's my older sister. And I just was like, I want this so bad when I have babies, you know, and I would always go to my appointments and be like, Doctor, I won't say his name.

Um, but remember, I don't, I don't want a C section. Okay, we're, we're going to, we're going to push. And he's like, okay, I know every visit I'd tell him, well, delivery day came and her heart rate dropped and it wasn't anything too scary because luckily the delivery was fine, but she was turned the wrong way.

If she's not turned the right way, then the head is not the soft spot and it, right. So he was like, um, we don't really have time to even try to, to turn her because her heart rate is dropping. Not, not like scary, but it's dropping. He's like, we're going to have take you to do a c section. I said, okay. He goes, that's it.

Okay. I said, yeah. Okay. I'm like, you're telling me that we need to get the baby out. We need to get the baby out. Like I didn't go through all this. I mean, I didn't say all that to him, but I'm like, okay. He's like, okay. I'm like, yes, we need to get her out. Right. He's like, yes. Okay. I said, okay. He's like, I'm just surprised you're so okay with this.

Cause every appointment I was like, we're not, but you know, at that moment you're like, no, I don't have a choice. That stayed with me for a while. I'm not going to lie, probably years because I was just like, and then the second one, you have to, it's called a VBAC in the state of Florida. From what I've heard, you can't find a doctor that will do a VBAC.

{It's very rare. So you have to naturally just have a C section again, which is much different the second time, because the first time you're being rolled in there, you already have your, um, epidural. And then The second time you're like walking into a surgery room and you're like getting on the bed and everything.

{It's like totally different. You're in a different mindset. So I, I carried that for a while cause I was like, I wanted to push, I carried this damn baby. I hear you dealt with a lot. I want to be the first one to see the baby. I want to have that experience. I want you to give my baby on me all day. I didn't care.

But I finally let that go that like that. That feeling of like, why wasn't I able to do that? I saw my sister do this beautiful miracle thing and like, and then I finally just let it go. I don't know what came over me, but it's hard. We hold on to a lot of things that we feel like, why couldn't I do this?

I'm a woman. I'm supposed to be able to do this. And well, imagine the women who are like, I'm not, I don't consider myself a woman because I can't have a baby. Right, right. And that's what I, and I kept telling myself, you know, I'm so grateful to God, like, I'm just, I'm just happy my babies are here and they're healthy.

Yeah. I mean, overall, I think women, I think the important message in this discussion today, at least for me, this has been so cathartic and very therapeutic. As women, sometimes we are going through so much. and kind of like just championing ourselves through traumas that, you know, we don't even have the time to kind of reflect back and know that a lot of us live with like a lot of, I guess, struggling with secrets that sometimes hold us back and that we haven't even allowed ourselves to just reflect on simply because we're, you know, a lot of us are moms or we're career women.
 
or we're in school and we're dealing with a lot of things, the household, the children, uh, the work, the schedules, we're trying to keep it all together for our families. And again, this is an amazing platform that you ladies have created to allow even somebody like myself to be able to share a story that a lot of women are maybe going through right now by themselves.
 
That they don't have to go through it by themselves and they necessarily, you know, can relate to other women that are going through it. Right. You're not, you're not alone. You're not alone. You're not alone. So so much. And thank you for sharing your story because it's helping so many women that either are going through it right now or are thinking about starting something that they may not Maybe our, you know, could have options and Deibys, I want to thank you too, because I'll be honest with you.
 
I've never heard of what happened to you ever in my life. Me either. That's such a special story and who knows, maybe somebody right now is like, Oh, I have those symptoms. Right. Or just know something's wrong and they can't explain to you what's going on. So. And that's why I believe in women uplifting other women, raising awareness and talking, having the uncomfortable conversations.

{in a respectful way because we can impact our community. Yeah. I, I hope this reached someone that maybe is going through something similar than me that maybe shined a light on something that can help them, you know, I mean, it was, it was difficult. And like, you know, Jessica saying, like, we don't even have a time to reflect.

Like I, I sometimes still don't realize how much I went through, you know, I just, you kind of just. Yeah. deal with it and move forward and just kind of like, I don't know, it's like I didn't, I didn't allow myself to realize I went through something that was, I mean, talk about years, you know, of dealing with emotions and I don't know, it's, it's just, it's hard, but you got through it.

Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got through it. Strong woman. Thank you. And my husband was by my side the whole time. He was amazing, you know, and to all the women listening and men too, hopefully we have some men listening to us. Thank you for listening to us. I hope we have inspired you. Maybe you know someone you can say, Hey, maybe you can listen to this podcast.
 
It may help you because we want to be that for you and, uh, you matter and to women, if you are trying to conceive and let's say you're not able to have the baby and you're not able to, uh, have the child that you always wanted. Don't let that define you. Yes. Don't let that stop you. Stop you. And don't you dare feel less than.

Don't. It makes me emotional because that's not what's going to define your life. You are your own person, you are your own spirit, and you are capable of being the best version of yourself. I truly believe that. Amen, girl. Beautifully said. Yes. Bueno, mi gente. That's it. People, if you're listening, I know it's probably inappropriate, pero tú sabes, llámame.
 
I haven't given up. I love you girls. Love you, love you. Thank you again, Jessica. Thank you. Thank you babies. Thank you. Thank you, Jesse. Thank you Jesse. We love for sharing Love you stories, Asima. Thank you for listening. Make sure to subscribe to our show so you don't miss an episode. We will be dropping an episode every two weeks.
 
Oh yeah. No, like seriously subscribe now. So just chill to the next episode. Follow us on Insta and TikTok.